“Said no one ever”: how RO-DBT is helping me live by my values
“I like Daphnée because she gets straight A’s.”
“Daphnée is the best because her CV is 5 pages long and she wins scholarships.”
“I hangout with Daphnée because she wants everything to be perfect all the time.”
“I love Daphnée because she prioritizes work over spending time with her friends.”
“I talk to Daphnée because she rarely shows emotions.”
…said no one ever.
I saw a version of the above trend on my Instagram reels and was immediately reminded of my overcontrolled (OC) tendencies. The trend reminded me that growing up, I engaged in certain behaviours that I thought would make me feel like I was good enough, but made me feel the opposite. Engaging in those behaviours also came at a cost, such as missing out on building intimate relationships.
The idea behind the “said no one ever” trend is to highlight the fact that sometimes, we prioritize certain aspects of our life that don’t bring us joy and may hurt our relationships.
I also think the trend is a good reminder that the people who love us the most don’t necessarily love us because of our number of achievements, or our OC-driven choices. They usually love us for different reasons, and in spite of our OC tendencies.
If there’s one thing that RO-DBT has taught me, it’s the importance of finding your tribe and cherishing your time together. For example, in high school, and during my first year away at university, I said no to going out to parties all the time. Instead, I’d sit at my desk all night and study until I knew the material by heart.
I don’t remember much about those times – except the fact I felt miserable and lonely. I missed out on many moments of connection, because in the end, those moments sitting at my desk alone don’t matter. After all, the moments that made my university experience memorable and special are all related to finding my tribe and making meaningful memories with the people I love most.
Even though I can’t go back in time, I know that I can choose to prioritize my relationships moving forward. I can focus on living by my values – and I can spend more time and energy having fun with my friends, family, and loved ones. Those friends, family and loved ones love me because of my sense of humour, my kindness and thoughtfulness, and my ability to love deeply – and not because of my OC tendencies.
So, as much as I appreciate the OC part of my personality, I know that I need my Flexible Mind to take charge a bit more, and let it guide me in whatever wonderful direction I need to go, so I can continue to navigate the world as my most authentic, loving self.