Moving in the other direction: learning to embrace a different coping style with intention
A previous therapist of mine once told me that she had been massively overcontrolled (OC) for a good part of her life, and that she had intentionally moved in the other direction, which I assume was her way of saying that she had finally allowed herself to be more flexible in her coping style.
Maybe she wished to add “spice” to her life, in true RO DBT fashion, or maybe she wished to change for other reasons, like decreased suffering. I’ll never know, but I remember she described this shift as being “delightful.”
Even though this interaction played out a long time ago, I never forgot about it. At the time, the OC part of me wanted to prove her wrong, but since then, I’ve come to appreciate the fact that she made a solid point. I’m grateful that these days, I’m following a similar path.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my OC tendencies recently. I wish to let them go to some extent, and that comes with a lot of grief and pain. My goal isn’t to erase, forget, or suppress them. In fact, I want to honour them, befriend them, and express my gratitude.
How do you learn to love and accept the parts of you that have grown to be maladaptive and cause you so much suffering?
It’s tough, but it’s possible. When I think of coping styles in general, whether it be undercontrolled (UC) or overcontrolled (OC), I remind myself that there is always a middle path, and that both coping styles are not inherently “wrong.” What brings me comfort is knowing that my OC tendencies have always tried their best to protect me during difficult times.
There’s been some huge changes happening in my life, both internally and externally. As a result, I’m learning to cope with life in a different, less inhibited way, and I miss the old ways, because they are familiar (and OC folks love the familiar).
Intentionally moving in the other direction has been an interesting process. For me, it looks like being more spontaneous. It looks like a less structured schedule, making new social connections, figuring out when to self-disclose, loving my perfectionist tendencies, grieving imperfectly, and practicing self-enquiry.
It looks like trying out Bumble BFF to find new friends, buying snacks I’ve never tried before, going to town without a specific purpose, and responding to corrective feedback without falling apart.
When I first decided to let go of the maladaptive aspect of my OC traits, I sat down with a pen and piece of paper, determined and ready to tackle it all at once. I tried to make a detailed plan. A mind map, a to-do list, a step-by-step protocol that I could follow to achieve my goal.
I realized that doing that was a classic OC move! I caught myself and practiced self-enquiry instead. I didn’t get any clear answers, as self-enquiry is more about asking questions, and I reminded myself that it was okay not to know.
I don’t know what the right words are to describe the shifts that are taken place inside my mind. Words like grief, acceptance, validation, and loving-kindness all come to mind, but I’m trying my best to sit with the uncertainty and follow my intuition, to counter my OC inclinations.
I’m determined to move in the other direction, just like my past therapist chose to do for herself. She gave me a lot of hope back then, and even promised “lightness and joy” on the other side.
I’m not afraid to say that so far, this process has been thrilling, comforting, and nothing but “delightful.”