When trying harder gets in the way: how I’m using RO-DBT skills to cope with symptoms of depression.
In RO-DBT, there’s the assumption that clients characterized by overcontrolled (OC) tendencies need to let go of always striving to perform better or try harder. I’ve been reflecting on this perspective recently, in the context that I’m experiencing symptoms of depression again.
I’m no stranger to treatment-resistant depression, and over the years, I employed the same overall strategy to target my recurring symptoms. This strategy included trying harder at recovery, never giving up, and working towards change until I felt exhausted.
For example, every time my depressive symptoms would flare-up, I’d restart a diary card – whether I was in therapy or not. I’d start monitoring my urges, goals, and emotions. I’d increase my number of therapy sessions. I’d go over my “Wellness Plan” and crisis worksheet, read yet another self-help book, and focus on adding more behaviours in my life to counter my urges to stay in bed all day.
If I had enough energy, I’d even make a list of every symptom, then craft a specific plan to target each one independently. Low mood? Add in exercise. Loss of interest and pleasure? Add in leisure. Loss of appetite? Add in snack times. Loss of social connection? Add in coffee dates with friends.
As a result, I ended up doing more. This constant focus on change took its toll, and as much as behavioural activation is important, I realized that at times, I worked so hard at my recovery that I got in my own way.
So, this time around, I’m trying a different approach. I’m curious to see if a more laid back, less overcontrolled way of coping with my depressive symptoms will help.
These days, I tell myself, “This is where you’re at right now, and that’s OK. There’s no emergency or threat; you can just ‘be.’ It’s OK not to feel better immediately, and it’s OK to just focus on the present moment.”
Once I feel grounded in the present moment, this allows me to deepen my self-enquiry practice. My most recent self-enquiry practice went as followed:
“What would happen if you stopped trying so hard to get rid of your depressive symptoms?”
“Why does it feel so threatening to just allow yourself to stay in bed and sleep more during this difficult time? What if that’s what you need?”
“What would happen if you did cancel commitments, took time off, and focus on doing less? Would the world explode? Would your self-worth suddenly be on the line? God forbids you take a day off!”
“What if all this hard work towards recovery is actually getting in the way, draining your energy? Are you living according to your values?”
“What would happen if you just accepted things as they are, and try to learn from them?”
I’m glad to report that my self-enquiry practice about my “performance” in recovery brought new insights, the main one being that my constant focus on change during tough times functioned to give me the illusion that I had more control over my symptoms than I did.
Now, I’m more willing to accept things as they are, more willing to let go of specific future outcomes, and more open to “going with the flow.” I’m trying to be brave, especially because I am responding to my symptoms in a different manner, and this may lead to new territory for me.
Accordingly, it’s also a lovely opportunity to explore, discover, and grow! 🙂