Loving the questions themselves: how self-enquiry is decreasing my suffering.
Recently, I came across a quote by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
Rainer Maria Rilke
Each time I read the quote above, I think, “Wow. This is beautiful writing. It goes straight to your heart.”
My second thought is, “This is such a great quote that describes the essence of self-enquiry, and what RO-DBT is all about!”
There has been a lot of “unsolved in my heart” these days, so I’ve been trying my best to “love the questions themselves.”
What do I mean by that?
To put it simply, I’ve been suffering, and practicing self-enquiry (or loving the questions) helps decrease my suffering. When I have a lot of things on my mind, my heart feels heavy, and my brain feels foggy. When I practice self-enquiry, I feel lighter, and suddenly more hopeful about coping effectively with whatever is bothering me.
From my perspective, self-enquiry is helpful because it takes the pressure off. Asking questions is a good alternative to rumination, and self-enquiry helps me remain open to my everyday experiences. In addition, showing myself compassion while asking questions is a form of self-validation.
The OC part of me believes that I should “seek the answers,” but I’ve learned that spending all my energy trying to find them robs me of the opportunity to “live everything.” When I notice my urges to be in control of everything, it means that there is discomfort in my life, and I wish to avoid it.
At the same time, discomfort tells me that I am riding my edge, and there’s lots of potential for growth! The OC part of me is also closely related to my self-critical thoughts, so practicing self-enquiry helps with being gentler towards my flaws.
I studied English literature at university, so I could spend a lot of time analyzing Rilke’s quote, and probably write an essay about it. The interpretations are endless, but in the spirit of RO-DBT, I’ve chosen to steer away from dissecting every word, and let go of my desire to find meaning in every sentence.
I had a lot of questions in the past year and not a lot of answers. My questions were mostly about what I wanted to do in my life, what my core values are, and how to find more meaning. I ended up trusting my intuition and moved abroad on a whim, despite my irrational fears that everything would go “wrong” as soon as I landed.
I’m so grateful because these days, I’m allowing myself to live the questions by going with the flow, and I’m living along “into the answer” by trusting the process and embracing all the outcomes.